Simpsonland U.S.A.

Finally, a dream came true. With a quick bowl of Lucky Charms in my belly and the Simpson’s theme song dancing in my head, my friend Chris and I embarked to the land of wonderment.

I visited Springfield.








Well, not REALLY Springfield, but Universal Studios to go on the new Simpson’s ride.



Anyone who knows me well or has seen me naked (wait, that’s another story) knows there are five “non-sex-related” staples in keeping me happy. In no particular order:

Star Wars
Billy Joel
Baseball
Roller Derby and…

THE SIMPSON’S!

In my darkest days, “The Simpson’s” was a half hour of pure comedic genius. "The Simpson’s" never fail. Hey, it’s been on for TWENTY YEARS so they have to be doing SOMETHING right!

Let’s just cut to the good stuff. When you first enter the ride, it’s really the ill filled theme park called “Krustyland,” complete with a giant head of Krusty the Clown that you MUST go through to get inside. Ah, the love a clown.



So the story for ride is as follows: Sideshow Bob still wants to kill The Simpson’s and comedy ensues, that’s all you really need to know. All I can say is that I found a nice little hideaway spot under level two right behind Simpson cart #4. With a hyper allergic pillow, a small reading lamp, and some breath mints, this will now be my new home. Address will follow in the weeks to come.

Viva la Simpson’s ride!

The Ten Year T-Shirt Box...

There is a box. All men have them. Hidden away from their wives, mothers, or any other female evil that has that deep sense of smell to rid of its magical power. This is the box, for when we open it… the superpowers of our past are discovered.

This is the Ten Year T-Shirt Box.

This is the fond memories of standing ovations, highly flammable pyrotechnics, and groupies longing for your manhood. Well, not YOUR manhood… the bands. All you got out of it was this $30.00 T-shirt… without buttons… or a collar… or fashion sense. But hey, it looks good on you, though.

Ask any man in secret and he’ll spin you yarns of the magic box and the stories it holds, pulling out each 50/50 cotton T as he was using them as handkerchiefs in a child's magic show.

And for the first time in DEN history, my collection of beefy-T’s will be revealed! In no particular order:

DEN’S T-SHIRT CATALOUGE:
Bruce Springsteen: “Born In The U.S.A.” Tour
U2: “WAR” TOUR
Billy Joel: “The Bridge” Tour
“Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” movie T-shirt
“Day Of The Dead” movie T-shirt
The Alarm: “Strength” Tour
A T-shirt with John Belushi’s head on it from “Animal House”
Bob Seger: “Against The Wind” Tour
A Ramones T-shirt with a punk rock rabbit on it (Tour unknown)
Indiana Jones And The Last Crusade movie T-shirt
Repo Man movie T-shirt

I know some are movie T-shirts, but I worked at a movie theatre while going to college, so free clothing was one of the many benefits. That and all the free butter flavoring one could drink.

But there are RULES to The Ten-Year T-shirt Box. Rules about when and most importantly, WHERE to wear these collectible gems. Here are just a few:

WORKING ON THE CAR:
Nothing says, “Gear head with twenty years of ROCKIN OUT” than the one size too small faded black T, preferably of some classic rocker like Springsteen, Seger, Neil Young, or if Canadian, Bryan Adams. Hold that American made, Craftsmen crescent wrench in your hand while changing that oil pan telling the wife, “Not only am I a man, but I’m a ROCKER!”… and then as soon as you’re done you’ll get off your ass and get those Huggies and a box of tampons she’s been waiting all morning for.

PLAYING A USED/BROKEN INSTRUMENT:
Anyone who ever played in a garage band with a Pixes, Soundgarden, or do I dare say Nirvana T-shirt please head directly to “Go.” Wearing one of these with a pair of pre-torn jeans, a hackie-sac, and a depressed attitude on how the “Man” is keeping you down (even though the man/your parents are paying for your education) and your well on the road to a solo tour of coffee house rock (Dave Mathews Band wanna-be guitar solos and obnoxious vowel wailing not included).

GARDENING:
Dude, you’re gardening! Put on that “KISS comeback tour 99” and use that Weed Whacker like it was Gene Simmon’s big ass Axe bass and blow those mutha fu*kin dandelions OUTTA THERE!

WHEN NOT TO WEAR:
Wearing a previous concert T-shirt to a present day concert of the same band is not permitted.

Because you went to see Def Leppard when the drummer had BOTH of his arms doesn’t mean you can wear that faded T to the comeback tour. You’re not cool, not going to get laid, and it shows you have to leave before the second encore so you can get enough sleep so you and the wife can make it to the 6:00AM Home Depot half off all lawn furniture and garden gnomes sale.

So these are the rules. Use them wisely. I, on the other hand, am going to break the “Where not to wear” rule by wearing my “Indianan Jones and the Last Crusade” T-Shirt to the opening night of the NEW Indiana Jones flick.

I forgot to tell you, the above rules don't apply to movie T-shirts, so wear that “Hudson Hawk” T-shirt with pride, my friend, wear it with pride.

Peer pressure...

I never wanted to do this. You could say I was pressured, almost forced into this life. It’s not by choice, but it seems to be the rage today. Everybody is “doing” it. I was never one to be part of the in-crowd. But now, I am one of you.

As of today…I am a blogger.

Let’s start off with what everyone on their blogs want to talk about, themselves. A little about me:

I’m originally from Detroit and wouldn’t change a damn thing about it.

Easy to get along with, except when playing Uno.

Used to think bananas gave you nightmares until I was seventeen. I blame my mother for this.

I suffer from too much middle class guilt.

I’m that guy that thought Kate Jackson was a far sexier angel than Farrah Faucet.

I prefer old Van Halen to new.

Han will always shoot first.

I miss Lucky.

I long for the simpler life, when the most important thing was making sure I had enough paper route money to see “The Empire Strikes Back” on both Sat. AND Sun. night than paying bills every month… though I love my home and it makes me fell all “Adult” inside! Let’s talk about escrows! Now THAT is an adult conversation!

All in all, I feel I’m pretty damn lucky, especially in the last five years. Man, has it been a crazy five years. Though I feel truly blessed with the people who have entered it.

But with all that luck and good fortune, I feel life wants to constantly challenge me with worse case scenario situations. You’ll read more of these fun loving yarns in the weeks to come.

Until then,

Den!