Hello, it's me... M. Night...

Hello my fellow simpletons. I know why you’re here. You’re thinking, “Wow, I can’t believe I’m talking to such greatness, such wonderment. Yes, I’m so amazing that looking at me directly might make you turn to stone.

That’s right, it’s me, M. Night Shyamalan. Don’t let the name scare you. I know the word, “Night” is mysterious, dark, and frightening to little people like yourself. My name IS quite remarkable. Like the sound of royalty that only a real filmmaker of my stature can create. Think about it while saying these titles out load:

M. Night Shyamalan’s… “Darkness Falling”

M. Night Shyamalan’s… “The Evil Within”

M. Night Shyamalan’s…“Fancy Feast.”

Don’t they just roll right off the tongue? I’m serious about the “Fancy Feast” title. Think cats… think cats eating… think cats eating Fancy Feast. Yea, I’m just that good.

But enough about my genius new movie titles, let’s talk about my genius new movie, “The Happening.”

Why aren’t you seeing it? I’d see yours. Wait a minute, there’s no way in hell I’d ever see your peasant of a film. I crap art. All day. Every day. That’s what I do.

May I remind you that my movie has Mark “Marky Mark” Wahlberg in it? He’s an Oscar nominated actor now. Scorsese might have gotten him nominated, but I’ll get him a real Oscar. Scorsese, Scorchessy, whatever his name is, he couldn’t direct his way out of traffic. He even needs those big “old man” glasses to direct! I don’t need glasses. I don’t even need sight. I’m just that good. Anyway, watch Marky Mark’s eyebrows raise during my scenes of heart gushing emotion. I taught him that. Well, maybe he’s thinking about a sandwich he just ate, but damn, he looks pretty good doing it.

I even have Zooey Deschanel for the less successful independent film crowd. Parker Posey was unavailable. How dare her. Doesn’t she know the magnitude of my genius? Remember, Hollywood called me, “The next Steven Spielberg,” whoever the hell that guy is. I think he did a movie on a shark, a spaceship, some type of Jews or something like that. If I haven’t heard of him, he should be getting me my non-fat soy latte right now! Damn, I could go for a non-fat soy latte. Can you get one for me? I’ll let you keep the plastic cup with my saliva on it. Then you can sell it on Ebay! I bet it will go for enough money to send your kids to college! Even then, they STILL won’t be as intelligent as me... but at least you can say you tried.

Maybe the title, “The Happening” was too frightening for you. Remember, I also wrote, “Stuart Little,” so even though the title is dark, I still have a heart. Wait, I just rhymed! Not only am I a fantastic writer/director, but a creative poet as well! Don’t think of stealing what I just wrote! I know you people! You’d save my fingernail clippings if you thought it would get your creative juices flowing! Well, forget it! I keep them in a jar next to my hair clippings. Everything that comes out of me is genius… remember that!

Allright, allright, I know you’re here for a reason. You’ve been waiting long enough. You simple folk are such good people. So let’s get this over with. After all, it’s your money.

So... would like to “Supersize” your meal for only thirty-nine cents more? The thirty-nine cents will go to a great cause… funding my next my next genius of a movie.

If you want to be involved, my break is at eight, right after I disinfect the shake machine.